Whatta Man

I wanna take a minute or two and give much respect due
To the man that's made a difference in my world...

Am I ready to be in a relationship? No.
Do I need to have a relationship? No.
I've come to realize that I am so content with not having a relationship in my life. While all my friends settle down in their lives, I choose not to. Many may say it's because I haven't found the right person, which may very well be true but I have a different explanation.

I have a man who treats me right. He takes me on the sweetest dates. He puts my needs first. He takes me out to candlelit dinners. He sings to me and whispers sweet nothings in my ear. He always walks me to my front door and tells me he misses me after days apart.

I have a man who I have deep, meaningful conversations with over a bottle of wine. We walk by the waterfront under the moonlight and talk all night. We share our innermost secrets and desires. Whenever we are in a crowded room, no one else stands a chance because it's like we're the only ones in the room.

I have a man who will whisk me away and make me forget all my worries. He takes me to exotic locations and urban escapes. We can enjoy museums and local pubs. We've driven hours on end with nothing to show for it but our memories. We've flown across the country to explore sights unseen. We've only begun to explore.

I have a man who will listen to me in bed. Just like a good student, he listens to everything I say. He absorbs all the knowledge and shows me what he's learned. I teach him things that I know will satisfy the both of us. He wants to make me happy.

I have a man who can satisfy my sexual whims. He knows when to be gentle and when exactly to fuck me like an animal. He experiments with me, he waits for my approval to try new things and he doesn't disappoint. He shows up at a moments notice just to have his way with me. His touch against my skin is enough to get me started but his lips are what keep me coming back, wherever he may place them. And the sex, the gratifying sex.

I have a man who understands all of this about me and knows me better than I like to admit. We've known each other for so many years that he knows my family and I know his. He knows that I'm not all talk and loves that about me. He doesn't see himself in a relationship either but can envision one with me.

Perfect man, right? Why aren't I in a relationship with him? Because I'm talking about 6 men. And with men like these, who needs commitment?

Cross the Line

We're giving in to lust, I'm gonna get sussed out
We're breaking all the trust, I deserve to get cussed out now

After this weekend, I don't really know what to think. Going away for an innocent weekend away with a friend turned out differently than I expected.

There were old friends around, new friends to be made but instead, I crossed the line with my friend. Alcohol was definitely involved which just makes me question our intentions. Was this a long time coming or was this just an opportunity that wasn't missed? Who exactly took advantage of the other? Whenever I'm with someone, I live for the moment. I take everything that is happening as an experience and relish in the sexual pleasure.

Unfortunately, my mind was hazy and we were so erratic that this time was the first time that I wasn't in the moment. I was reliving a different night and was imagining someone else there with me. It was someone else's lips kissing my body, someone else's touch.

In the morning light, I was able to see a little more clearly. The person I woke up next to was a dear friend and I was not sure what to think. Did I say the wrong things the night before? Did he know that I was fantasizing about another? Did he read something into it? Did he notice that I didn't get off and so what if he did?

Where do we take things from here? I am clearly not interested in him and I assume the same from him. This sparked something unlikely from me, I called the person that he reminded me of that same day. I told him I missed him. We talked all day and then saw each other that night. It was the funniest thing of all to think that I missed my relationship with him and realize I really just missed the sex. So very me...

The Boy with No Name

It has been some time since I've last written. It's hard to believe. Well, since there seems to be no new tales of my life since the last time I wrote here months ago, I must clarify that the boy with no name is NOT the boy from months ago I wrote about from my wild night. That was a good night, I suppose.

This boy was boy at party. I am used to being the girl that is hated by her friends' girlfriends. I am not sure what it is. I have one friend whose girlfriend likes me (yes, there is one). That's a sad fact but it's true. My friends' best guess is that I am that intimidating to other girls because I have a great relationship with my friends. I have also been told I have abnormal friendships with the men in my life. I beg to differ but I digress...

A birthday celebration and a weekend away is the scene of this story. I was one of the first few guests but as people started showing up, I realized this party was starting to fill up with twosomes. Couples were everywhere and I, single girl, was searching for a place to fit in. I of course had my friends but I like to mingle. Needless to say, not many of the girls there liked my mingling. I am not trying to be cute when I say mingle and cover up flirting because I wasn't. It was clear that these people were happy and I was not looking to change that. Every time I talked to a guy, their girlfriends were quick to whisk them away. All except one...

In a room full of random souls in this world, I met him. We talked for hours about the world, society, work and life (movies and tv too, it wasn't all serious). When we finally got around to the conversation of careers, his girlfriend came to join the conversation. Only she didn't pull him away. This was one of the first conversations that I have been able to have and discuss my change in careers so easily. For those who know me, it's nothing new. I have just been sidetracked by this thing we call life. Well, he was the first person to know what I was talking about without explanation. That was truly refreshing because it just sparked other ideas. But what I will remember him for... knowing me only a few hours, he was the first person to say "when you get in to school'' and not if. His girlfriend also mentioned that I seemed like the perfect fit because I was so personable and outgoing. He was just so certain about it. I was able to respond so positively almost as if these things were already happening. I don't remember the last time I felt so sure about my life.

But to the boy with no name, thank you. You gave the me the belief that things will fall into place for me, without even knowing me. Seems like I got my own present that night...

Secret

Things haven’t been the same since you came into my life

It is no secret that I am an individual that enjoys sex. Variety is the spice of life. I truly believe that. While I am by no means an expert in the subject, I am always willing to try something new and always willing to talk about my experiences. Over time and after all of my partners, I can say something that most people can’t – I do not regret any of the sex I’ve had. Each encounter brought new insight into my life, whether it was a new sensation, powerful reach to orgasm or the sense of spontaneity and fulfillment.

Something that I’m not sure of is if I really want to let my friends in on the extent of the “crazy” sex life I lead. I have had multiple partners in a day, had sex with men and women, dabbled in S&M, etc etc etc. I have at least 5 people (ok, 3) on call that I can meet up with late night if I ever have the need to scratch an itch. I would never do this if I was in a relationship but then again, I have been broken up with a number of times because I was moving too fast or needed too much from the man in my life.

My latest conquest started innocently enough with me having a nice dinner out with girl friends which quickly moved to after dinner drinks, clubbing and drinking the night away. Needless to say, I met my man for the night while I was out and it was so amazing. Dark, handsome (taller than me not but not classified as tall) and ready to be mine. We started out kissing innocently enough but I have to say that I made the move to show him that the night would end with fucking.

I love the use of the word fucking because in my mind, there are 3 classifications of sex. Making love is something that you do with someone that you love; there is a connection that goes beyond the physical. Having sex is something that is done with someone you love or someone you don’t. It fulfills the needs of the moment; physical, emotional or both. Not quite so sweet and gentle or moving but just exactly what you need. Fucking on the other hand is pure physical fulfillment. It is sweating and grunting while bodies pound together. It is being so in the moment that sex is literally dripping all over your bodies and the scent fills the room. Each and every encounter calls for something different.

Back to my weekend, fucking is what I was looking for in my night. This guy was shy and coy at first, maybe because he thought I would need the wining and dining. But when I whispered in his ear as I groped (ahem, massaged?) him leaning between his legs in the corner of the dance floor, he knew exactly what I wanted. He fulfilled every need I had that night… multiple times throughout the night. But I realized something in the morning. I woke up in his bed the next morning in a different state. Who knows how long I really spent with him but it was long enough to get me in a car for a drive across 2 state lines. I DO NOT DRIVE TO FIND SEX, SEX FINDS ME, DRIVES TO ME. It was a fantastic night but I don’t plan on seeing him again, don’t even remember his name. Boy, it was a damn good time. Are my friends ready to know everything about me? I think I shall continue to shelter them for the time being.

Split Decision

Sometimes I think I know too much
’bout what goes on in the real world and such
Half of me is certain, the other isn’t sure

I have been thinking about my April resolution, which was to make small changes to go green. I have always been a science buff and it just seemed like a natural extension of that. The small changes that most greenies make were pretty simple. It took no time at all to add them into my routine. I drive a hybrid, use reusable shopping bags, recycle, use my very own nalgene bottle (check out http://www.filterforgood.com/ for a great cause), buy organic when I can, etc. Even trying to venture into organic clothing, already use organic yoga items, but that's a lil more difficult.

The source of my split decision is the fact that as the green side of me wants to be closer to nature, the science side of me really loves and thrives on the many advances that the world is witnessing right now. The problem is most of the scientific breakthroughs that I love to read about and hopefully experience firsthand are chemically based and potentially harmful in the end. Harmful does not have to mean direct destruction to the environment but could also mean harms from production process, animal testing, etc.

What is a girl to do? I have looked into companies in the area and have found one local company (but not small but any means, one of the leading in the industry actually) tries to offset any negatives but having their facilities sustainably designed. I suppose it makes me feel a lil better that companies are also taking the small steps necessary to make a bigger, better impact in the world.

Is the wool being pulled over my eyes though? I feel like this is something that I will struggle with for many moons to come. No to high fructose corn syrup but splenda as a low calorie option? Yes to locally grown, organic tomatoes and wild alaskan salmon that traveled thousands of miles? No to plastic bags while shopping but yes to disposable laboratory equipment?

It's a hard thing to wrap my head around because in our world of new technologies, science and medically related, new things come up so quickly that things become obsolete and this leads to more waste that is not as easily reused. Medical equipment evolves into things that we couldn't have imagined but medical tools must be discarded in order to keep things sanitary. Where does this cycle end and become something that I can really stand behind? I suppose I shall be a living contradiction until I can figure that out.

Blog Action Day - October 15, 2007

Better Luck Next Time

Sometimes we fall
Ain't nothing new to me

So Monday didn't happen. My intention was to wake up early and go but nope. Woke up late for work actually. So very me. Tuesday sounded like the next best thing. Day after day, I couldn't wake up and so it's the end of the week and I will attempt to make my changes over the weekend.

One Of These Things First

I could have been a sailor, could have been a cook
A real life lover, could have been a book...

I have thought of so many different things that I could have written about these past few weeks and for some reason, I have shied away. Well not anymore!!! I have recently come into the idea of trying to simplify life and make myself a better person. The question is where to begin. I thought of using the 40 days and 40 Nights approach to rid myself of the excess men in my life. Then I thought about the new career path as an approach. I think I have decided to start a gym/yoga routine. I think it's because no one is expected to gain motivation throughout the winter months. It would be great to start now so that when I actually have a routine in the works, it'll be winter. Come on, how many people lose weight during the holidays? I'd like to try. So the adventure begins... Monday :-)